This is not real. In case you really think I have this kind of power. Really.
New York Actress Inherits Tabasco Corporation, Southern Economy Ruined
AVERY ISLAND, LA— Look around this tiny island rising above the Louisiana Gulf Coast and you would be surprised to learn it had once been a thriving business concern and even called “a natural paradise.” The factories are closed, the pepper fields laid waste, and the human population has dwindled to less than 50. It has been 4 months since the business community was stunned by the shocking revelation that Ward McIlhenny, principle stockholder of the Tabasco Hot Sauce fortune had bequeathed controlling interest in Tabasco, Inc. to New York City Actress/Comedienne Jessica Curtis. McIlhenny died in July at the age of 93. Soon afterward, a public statement from his attorney, Roger Whitcomb of Whitcomb, Whitcomb, and Ford, revealed that McIlhenny had no intention of leaving any of his many relatives any part of his substantial estate. Curtis and McIlhenny never met, but Whitcomb explained that McIlhenny had seen Curtis perform stand-up comedy during a brief and unpleasant business trip to New York. “Ward hated to travel, hated the company, and hated New York,” explained Whitcomb. “He said that seeing Jessica at the comedy club was the best part of an awful experience and that she was at least as qualified [to run the company] as the ‘wastrels, sycophants, and bums’ he was related to. He said something about ‘one hell of a nice rack on that girl’ as well.”
Shortly after assuming the chair of Tabasco, Inc., Curtis, 26, stunned the family with her planned renovations to the firm founded in 1868. “We don’t have time to age this stuff in white oak barrels for three years,” began Curtis. “From now on we just let it steep for a couple of weeks in plastic garbage cans. And another thing, from now on, the product will be known as Jessbasco Sauce and the extra hot version, Jessbasco Hotcha Ha Sauce.”
Schuyler McIlhenny III, nephew of Ward McIlhenny, began to protest, “Miss Curtis, Tabasco is an honored, respected name! You can’t just arbitrarily change the name like that.” He was quickly cut off by Ms. Curtis shouting back, “I have big boobs! Girls with big boobs can do whatever they want!”
Continual infighting between Curtis, who owns 51% of Tabasco, Inc., and the rest of the family led to her decision to move the hot sauce making facilities from Avery Island, Louisiana to Callicoon, New York. Since that time, the economy of the Southern United States has fallen into deep recession. An early sign of the impending crisis included William Chesterman’s complaints soon after Ms. Curtis assumed control of the company. “For more’n 75 years my family has made White Oak Barrels. That’s all we do! Ninety percent of our business has always been with the McIlhenny family. Now that damn Yankee’s puttin’ the stuff in garbage cans! God! Garbage cans! What am I supposed to do now?”
With Tabasco as the cornerstone of the state’s economy, the rest of Louisiana quickly fell into dangerous financial peril. Before long, Louisiana neighbors, Mississippi and Arkansas, both of which have economies closely tied to that of the Pelican State’s, began suffering difficulties. It is speculated that soon the entire Southern United States will experience serious depression.
“This is the worst thing to happen to the South since we lost the Civil War!” remarked Louisiana Governor Wilton Marks.
When asked to comment on the unfortunate consequences brought on by her decisions regarding Tabasco, Inc., the Actress/Comedienne/Tycoon said, “It serves them right for being from the South.”
No comments:
Post a Comment