It's easier to talk about today. That's one good thing about being in this racket for a long time. It all passes. But you have to take inventory of the situation before you let it go.
Sometimes I get really cocky and don't work as hard on my act before a show. And sometimes I get so stressed out by things going on at home that I can't shake it before a show. And sometimes I put a new joke up front when I haven't tested it in the middle of my act and then kick myself for doing it AGAIN. And sometimes my brain is not firing on all cylinders so that when I switch a set list around, I can't remember a fucking thing when panic sets in and I don't fight with the armor in my arsenal when the audience totally sucks. Last night, apply all of the above to my show.
Yes, there are bad audiences. The evening's audience participants last night were an 7 on a bad audience meter. 8 being heckling assholes, 9 being throwing shit, 10 being walking the room and/or a homicide. The emcee was having a rough time out of the gate. They were the type of group that needed lots of audience coddling. And for some reason, none of us went for it. I think we were afraid of them. Human beings are creepy that way. They can put a biofeedback fire wall up. This was a roomful of about 70 firewalls. Probably some annoyed non-firewalls being cock blocked too.
I had, in theory, a short amount of time to do. The reality is if I was rolling, I could have stayed up longer than the time they gave me. It is a lose set up.
There wasn't a lot of fear walking into it. Big mistake. Years of experience says confidence is necessary but healthy fear keeps you on your toes. Makes you access the war zone before going into battle. I had I feel thin today confidence even though I was wicked nauseous from marriage tension. I wanted to puke but in a natural way. This didn't help. It went from dropping the first joke...a new one laced in hostility that they didn't bite. They may have normally. I thought it was funny. But truth is, if they ain't laughing before I get onstage, let's not be the tempest in the tea kettle?
A fine comic told me a while back that if the audience sucks, keep to your set list and plow through. Another one told me to drop the fucking set list and listen to your instincts. Either one of those probably would have helped. But I just. Couldn't. Remember a fucking thing. As soon as it went off tracks. It was like I shut down completely. Gone. I got off a few laughs and then this wall came crashing down around my brain. Closest thing I've had to a simple seizure on stage since I actually had simple seizures on stage. That's my time! Let's bring back your host...
I hate that audience. Not on an individual basis. As a group for making my lazy ass work. That's the truth. Things go too well for awhile and then you quit applying the pressure to the wound that is your career. This shit is work. That audience was just a group of people wanting me to do my job. Which includes thinking for them sometimes. I failed. And then I hate myself because I know better than this. I couldn't have set this up more to fail if the situation wasn't perfect than if I sat in the audience and stared at me myself.
So today I wake up still feeling like I am going to hurl. It's a diet. Even negative things have an upside. And I look at Thursday's show. A show that will have an attentive loving audience because that is whom this producer tends to draw pretty religiously. Then line up is spectacular and I will be circled in the arms of a warmed up audience that don't need to be breast fed their humor. And I will walk in warily, not getting too comfortable. Setting myself up to conquer, not fold. To match these geniuses on the line up as much as I possibly can.
You can't take back yesterday. But you can take the lesson from yesterday with you. Fuck yourself audience. It isn't your fault, its mine. But fuck yourself just the same. I'll find a new one who thinks I am smart AND beautiful for myself.
And people wonder why comics aren't social creatures.
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