This is a "Magna Carta For Maternal Figureheads" in progress. I intend to get this up to ten points in the treatise. Suggestions are encouraged from objective outsiders.
Family,
I am sorry if I am a little moody as of late. It is has been a year of social, economic and emotional adjustment for all of us. In order to keep the "bitch monster" in its cage, I have divised this contract outlining a list of needs to be met and, in return, obligations to the tribal unit that I may reciprocate. Please feel free to revise this document within reason to suit yourselves and, if you feel necessary, to seek out legal consultation.
1) Everyone must say "I love you" to each member of the family (pets optional) at least once a day. I know. Ew. Icky. Emotional. But I know you do. We are family. It is a necessary emotional reinforcement to the beauty of that feeling that is integral to our blessed unit and you won't choke on your tongue if you do. It gets easier as you do it more. I promise. As the eldest member of the family you will probably out live me. If the next time someone says "I love you" in earnest it is over my grave, I will spend the rest of your life haunting you as a bitch slapping specter.
Perhaps threatening is not the way to go. Okay. Retract the last two sentences.
2) Time management will include others into consideration. This is not to say that you can't do what you want. But if you are doing it while there is, say, a four inch pile of dust under your bed or your papers from four days ago sitting on the coffee table or your wife/mother has been picking head lice (or other job specific description) all day, a little room cleaning time or a spontaneous kiss on the neck (husband specific) will make said female not sigh loudly and look clenched for the next two hours when computer oriented entertainment is mentioned. I take time out of my "me" time to do things with you and don't look like I have a bad hemorrhoid. Reciprocation would be appreciated.
3) Debris will be removed from communal areas. All of us. Even me. But at least I am aware that I forgot to remove my snack plate until I see it sitting there in the morning. You people just keep agreeing and not doing it. See? I am crabby just saying it. So just do it. Please. It benefits us all.
This one may considered an addendum to the last one. I'll have to check with my "lawyer" aka the lady sitting next to me in Starbucks who looks smart.
4) Romance. I want some. I know. Weird coming from a pragmatic liberal who used to hate surprises. But its says I thought of you and wanted to do something nice. Children may replace the word "Romance" with "Updating parents on weekly school progress."
5) Apply "nice people" voices even when others are being assholes. Especially if others are being assholes. Snarky and trite begets snarky and trite. And no one likes a know it all. Or a "no" it all.
I am using this pun as a snarky and trite trap. If they fall for it, I allow myself an extra 300 calories. If not, I get peace. This is called self-applied amusement manipulation. And they wonder why I smile when they get angry.
6) Lying is intolerable. There is nothing worse to me than being lied to. It hurts me and I want to go sit in the dark. Trust issues that ensue from being found out are not worth the refuge of temporary deceit. So what if I don't like what you have to say? Don't be afraid of me. I am your family. There is very little that you can say that is worse to me than being betrayed by deception. And if I do catch you lying, I will disable every computer account that you possess including but not exclusively Minecraft, World of Warcraft, youporn(ask your father),Facebook and your homework information site.
A little much? I think not.
7) When mentioning all other women with the exception of your mother, grandmothers and certain sister like figures, I am to be reminded that I am the best one. This includes teachers, other parents, ex-girlfriends and hot waitresses at Hooters. Some parents are more fun than the ones that you have to live with because they don't have a cat that is your responsibility to feed or have to live with the multitude of stray socks I find strewn across the living room. You don't think I haven't noticed that your top ten face book friends are either relatives or......never mind. Insecurity is bred, not born. You aid in the creation of my neediness, jealous huffs and extra loud dish washing. A compliment will get you miles of smiles.
This may be unreasonable.
8) Door slammers will have their knobs removed. Jan Brady is not a role model. Neither is Stanley Kowalski.
This, on the other hand, is perfectly reasonable.
Sigh.
I will finish this later. Oprah used to be on now and I need to take a moment of silence to fill the void.
I Love You,
Mother Of The House
