I have got to stop writing letters like that. In the heat of the moment. To the school principal.
Okay. Maybe I will not regret it tomorrow. But, in my head, social services is circling the wagon. They are too poor to send their kid to the Museum of Science over night! They must be feeding her paper and making her sleep under the stairs.
Truth is, if I truly felt like an overnight field trip 12 miles from the school warranted 90 bucks, maybe it could have happened. If I totally trusted this group of strangers with my child overnight in downtown Boston, maybe. But I can do a helluva lot of things for my kid with 90 dollars that she probably would like a whole lot more down the line. A birthday present that isn't half assed. The webkinz that she loves. Horseback riding again. She would love that so much more. This money can be spread out to make her life seem less like living with her parent's struggle against paying the cable so she can have television and internet like the rest of the normal kids. Till we can leave when her dad gets his PHD and have a real job that pays well. It is hard to convey that this is only for now. That it is for a better life later with even better school trips.
Even these things are struggles and will drive us further into debt until employment picks up. And at least I know she won't wake up frightened in the middle of the night in a big room full of children and strangers or be lead away by a pedophile in the darkness. The only true loss here is that she will feel left out. Like the poor kid.
So I wrote to the principal asked to help us make her feel better. I hate that she has to go to school at all. That they force her to do the march of shame. To make it feel normal and maybe a little fun even. I wish that they would let her stay with me and I would take her rollerskating or to the movies or something that doesn't cost the electric bill plus some cable. And I wish I could take it back. But I guess I'm glad I did. Because maybe he will not assess us as inadequate parents for not paying 90 for an overnight trip down the road. And he will see us as people who are just trying to keep the little things in her world that makes her feel less valuable in a world where the kids all have have have.
