There are few things worse than living in a battle zone that won't admit that it is a battle zone. It's like trying to figure out how a cold wind blows. It surrounds you, makes you feel bad but you can't pin point how it is hurting you. It is uncomfortable and spins into more resentment. It is the price of bad communication via anger that is buried in denial.
Many of us will recognize festering anger immediately if it is right after a bad fight. Everything is fine. But is it? That fight was really recent. The knife wounds have barely started scabbing up yet. You know that you are speaking civilly but all of the voices are rerunning inside your head in the very very back. The resolutions may be there but the safety that was rattled in the relationship is not solid again. No one is trusting the other. Yet. Until you are sure it isn't going to bite you in the ass. It is even harder if there has been no fight that you know of and you still have to live with the anger.
Sometimes, some people say that they are fine but their actions are permeated with resentment. You can feel the anger if it is directed at you but the person won't concede to being mad. They smile without their eyes matching the mouth but the body never completely relaxes. The hand is in a balled fist. They flinch when they are touched.
It takes a whole lot of denial to maintain the anger. Trying to live with it that can be maintained for a while. Sooner or later, though, something has to give. Or the walls become so completely solid that uncomfortable becomes normal. I guess it depends on the stubborn elements of the other parties involved.
How long can it last? Years? Whole life times? I guess it depends on the person that is the begrudged that won't be openly begrudged and the quality of life the subjects at hand are willing to live with.
In my experience, a non-friendship based roommate situation tends to get resolved the fastest because you are essentially strangers other wise. It comes to a head fairly quickly if it is going to come to a head at all. Someone gets kicked out or you learn to live with it. Long as the bathroom stays clean and the bills gets paid and you don't have to sleep in the same room, oh well if they can't communicate well. Moving is inconvenient but you still can if it really stinks. If you can't avoid walking on egg shells, step on them. Too bad if the roommate has bad communication skills. Not your problem if you can deal with a grumpy demeanor.
Friends who hold quiet grudges are stickier because the urge to cut and run is often bigger than the bullshit that you have to get through to admit there is a problem. Pick a fight? Confrontation? You might be willing to let it go but you may not even know what needs to be dropped. They smile tightly and say in a distant tense voice, "Wrong? No. Nothings wrong." And you know they are lying. You can feel it. It isn't your imagination. One of the beauties of a truly good friendship is that you have probably had moments like this before. You lived. And if there isn't a way to reconcile the friendship to a place you both feel comfortable with each other, maybe you just aren't friends anymore.
For me, relatives are the least complicated because it takes a whole lot to get rid of a relative. It is safe to approach the angry person and say, "Hey, you are obviously pissed off. What's wrong with you?" Openly. Without fear. I know I am going to spend the rest of my life with them so it is better to call them to the mat via kindness, bluntness or sarcasm and get it over with. I grew up with these people. Our communication styles are the same. We know how to speak to each other because we sound similar. Hopefully, no one is looking for a fight under it all, but if they are, at least I am going to get a solution.
Spouses, life partners, live-in significant others are the ones that really suck. Really really suck. Because anger usually has some kind of trust issue attached to it. It smells like hurt and you caused it somehow. This is a person you chose to take into your life and the person chose to have you in theirs. In an extreme situation, they can un-choose. You can lose someone who is so attached to your heart, ego and mental well being that if there is a wall of anger that they won't speak about, you may be a hesitant to find out just what is going on in there. You may have come too close to being a statistical example of the American standard of long term relationship failure already (see US divorce rates) and will do anything to keep the good that has been re-builit.
It is almost easier to have an "incident" so that there is something to attach the behavior to. Plain old just angry hanging in the air is like living in cloud of sulfur and you feel like your choice is risk the good or slap on a gas mask and live with it. Sometimes it is residual from an old pain. Sometimes it is from the pile of resentments that has been stacking up, a feeling of lack of respect. Sometimes it is a result of an inability to communicate properly in general, learned long ago and not realized till now. You can go to therapy. You can try to point out the obvious but the denial may be too strong and just anger them further. It may be better to let it pass, rebuild the basis of trust in the relationship. Let them be. It's all a crap shoot.
In the meantime, you are punished. You may deserve it. It's hard to tell since you aren't exactly sure about the specifics. Either way, its a lot easier to ignore the pain of the other person when you are on the controlling side because it means you have to lose the power the anger gives you and forgive, let it go. Most of us hold a grudge at some point unless, possibly, you have excellent communication skills and are schooled in self-analysis. I try to recognize it in me so that I don't have to be in unnecessary pain nor do I cause it. It doesn't always work because sometimes I don't even know I am angry till the writing is on the wall. And I may not be able to get rid of the cause of irritation, but I can chose to be happier in general and let it go when I do recognize it, if I can't. Forgive. Move on. Anger and hate are so close to each other and they both fester. Life can be so much better.
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