The other night a friend of mine popped onto Facebook and i.m.-ed me. A female co-worker with a history of being moody was back at it. Unpredictable. Surly. Accusatory. Normally, I am all sympathy. After all, if you have a problem, it is a lot easier to diffuse the situation if it doesn't come out of left field, grievances are aired and everyone can get on with life. Walking on eggshells sucks. But the words chosen to express his anger set my hair on end. Whore. Ugly. Bitch. Something nasty about her teeth. The only ones missing from the high school slur hit parade was "fat" because it doesn't make any sense applying it to this particular subject and "faggot" because it is 2015, we are moderate liberals and that word is generally slung at other males*.
In the heat of the moment, I can see losing your sense of propriety. It doesn't make it right but people say stuff that they regret when they are in the throes of passion. Later on, after the "oh shit" moment, apologies will be administered because even the mouth that the words have slipped from knows that they just ain't right. Been there. Done that. But this went on longer than that, past the "what have I done" zone.
It took me back to a time when people used those wicked words to debase me as a woman too. Words like these that were used to label me undesirable in society, make me feel worthless. They were the words a bully shouts to inspire the mean spirited to ostracize and separate.
The progression of slurs starts simple in our lives. "Ugly" always seems to be in the nasty adjective convoy. "Fat" also becomes popular really early. Curiously, when a little kid is taking another shot at another little kid,"mean" is also an insult but sounds childish when you throw it at someone as an adult. Probably because it is not a slap at a physical attribute. My daughter still cannot stand to hear the word "stupid" because it harmed her so badly as a child. Children generally go for the more intelligent insult, the ones they think are really the essence of the person, not just ones built to kill self esteem.
Grown up bullies like to tear down a woman's physicality, sending a subtle message that they aren't worth more than how they are desirable. It is why, in hindsight, if the onslaught carries on past the heat of the moment, I become afraid to discuss whatever transpired for him to transgress into such a state.
The ugliness that is allowing these words to continue also tends to come with the bully's "them or me" mentality. Theoretical suggestions about how to handle the situation can turn on you as soon as you show any sympathy toward "the enemy." I become the bad friend, not supportive. Sometimes I also become a bitch for not agreeing when really I am just trying to understand what he may have done to tick her off. Anger is right next door to crazy in the logic house if they can't let it go.
When I hear slurs, I become afraid. They are the words that are born from hate, the tools of a bully. I have a hard time sympathizing with the cause because I quit comprehending the rest of the conversation. My instinct is to back away and protect myself. My friend was mentally injured, feeling mistreated but I could not hear what happened without the barrage of physical pot shots being fired.
He would see my trying to make sense out of the co-worker's behavior as not supporting him, creating a personal insult because I didn't rally around his anger. If I chose to engage and asked him to stop saying these things, it would probably come down to "I can't even express myself" which is not true. "I am upset because...." "She did this thing that was unjust..." "I don't know what to do because...." That is expressing yourself. "Fat" "Ugly Bitch" "Whore" is just being mean.
*besides that whole wildly ignorant thing
No comments:
Post a Comment