Most people who know me in the outside of Callicoon world consider me an urbanite. With the exception of 2 foggy years in a trailer of necessity, I have spent my adult life in New York City up until I moved to a suburb north of Boston. But the truth is am a also a hick. I was raised by tree farmers. "Nurserymen" to the fancy. We had a huge amount of acreage on the Delaware River on both the Pennsylvania and New York sides and more in the mountains. And here are some of the things that I learned from the Borscht Belt sticks:
- Woodchucks are assholes. They look sort of cute for a large rodent. But they can eat an entire nursery. Upon his death, my father requested that his plaque be laid on his parent's grave. But we had to wait because a woodchuck dug up my grandmother's side of the plot and was living there. A hole so big you could shove an eight year old down. See. Assholes.
- If you are twelve and weigh about eighty pounds and you are learning to shoot a gun, stick with a .22. Anything with a higher caliber requires a truck window to prop it up and you probably will still find yourself flying backwards like a dislodged piece of steak post heimlich maneuver.
- Squirrels don't swim well. But they are excellent at floating.
- Walnuts found in the woods and acorns laying in your lawn may be edible but they still taste like ear wax.
- Some red berries are also edible but others can kill you really hard. Same goes for pretty mushrooms. Don't believe your sister. She only wants your Partridge Family lunchbox.
- You are not a wind goddess. You just aren't.
- It is possible to be bitten by a river fish.
- Tractors don't break down unless its raining out and you are way the hell out in the middle of a field. And lightening likes wide open spaces.
- Aloe Vera plants aren't indigeonous to the Northeast. I don't know what it was she was rubbing on her face but it wasn't that.
- If you are in a creek and you take find a really big rock that looks like it could have a space underneath, you can slam it with another rock and an unconscious cat fish may float up. Which may explains why there are not cat fish in the creek anymore.
- It's a shad. They have dorsal fins. But don't tell the tourists from the Bronx because "OH MY GAWD! IT'S A SHAWK! IT'S A RIVAH SHAWK!" sounds really cool when it echos down the river valley.
That's what I have for now. I will continue to ponder.
Read more: http://www.myspace.com/hoohajess/blog?page=4#ixzz11S2pf800
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